you got me just...off of your melody.

Whole Again

2008-07-19T22:49:03Z

|flashback|

It's 6:10 and I just finished recording. I'm not supposed to be out for another hour or so, neither is Brit. I'll meet her at the studio and wait for her to finish up; she loves surprise visits. I get in my car, start it up, and make my way out of the parking lot and towards the studio.

After only about five minutes, I pull into a space in the studio parking lot. I step out, lock up, and make my way up the stairs and through the main door. I begin down the hallway, glancing into each room as I go. Every door is open but one; the last one on the left. I slowly walk up to the window and look in. An instant feeling of nausea engulfs my body and my knees grow weak. I see Britney in a pink sports bra and black yoga pants; ones that are currently being tugged on at the corners. Not by her though, by our choreographer. His hands are all over her, in every inappropriate area you can imagine. I wish I could say that she isn't doing the same or that she's resisting; but I'd be lying if I did. Their fucking tongues are down each other's throats; I'm surprised I haven't already regurgitated everything I ate today.

I grab the knob and fiddle violently with it. It's locked. It's fucking locked; these doors are never locked when we rehearse. They planned this. Holy shit, I feel really dizzy.

The door suddenly swings open.

"J-Justin." she stutters.

"Hey.." Wade says as he walks up behind Britney. I take a deep breath and try my hardest to stay calm.

"So how's everything goin'?" I ask.

"Um...good. You're not recording tonight?" she asks, confused.

"Oh I did. You're not rehearsing tonight?"

"That's w-what I've been doing.." she chuckles nervously.

"Oh, so that's what you call that? That's an interesting part of your routine. Brilliant choreography." she squints slightly and cocks her head to the side a bit.

"What p-part?" she asks slowly.

"The part where you guys were about to fuck if I didn't interrupt." Her face goes white and she begins to rapidly shake her head. Obviously she wasn't sure how long I'd been here.

"No, i-it wasn't like that.." she says as takes a few steps towards me. I back away.

"Are you seriously trying to lie to me? Right to my face?!" I raise my voice. Her eyes are almost completely filled with water.

"N-No I-I mean.." she chokes, reaching out to touch me.

"Don't fuckin' touch me." I spit, throwing my hands up.

"Look, Jay.." Wade begins in a low tone.

"You're a piece of shit." I point. "I always noticed the way you looked at her. But I decided to trust you, so I guess this is what I get."

"We didn't mean for it to happen, it just.."

"Bull fucking shit!" I shake my head and lower my voice. "The least you can fucking do is tell me the truth; you owe me that much." Their heads are down; Silence.

"You know what? Fuck this. You can have her. Fuckin' take her. I deserve better than this shit." I end, walking out.

"Justin, wait! Please!" Britney yells through her sobs, running after me.

|end flashback|

I tightly shut my eyes and shake the image out of my head. I hate remembering that; it wasn't exactly a highlight in my life. As I pull into the parking lot, I spot her car and vacate the space just beside it. I notice that there are no annoying men with cameras glued to their hands harrassing me as I walk into the café; the big man upstairs can be pretty awesome. I am greeted by a man as I walk in.

"Hello, Mr. Timberlake. Follow me." he nods and begins walking through a condensed hallway into a back dining room where I see Britney already seated at a table. "Here you go." he finishes, holding his arm out towards my seat. I nod.

"Thank you." Before I sit, Britney gets up and walks towards me with her arms out. Her hair is pulled back into a loose bun with her bangs slightly covering her eyes and she's wearing a pair of dark blue jeans, a white polo, and a black sweater-jacket.

"Hi! It's good to see you." she greets, hugging me with a huge smile across her face.

"It's good to see you too. You look great." I say, returning her smile.

"Thanks, so do you."

"Why, thank you." I say as we both sit. she chuckles.

"So, any trouble with the paps on the way in?" she asks.

"No, actually. I was very excited." I laugh; so does she.

"Oh great! I didn't either, that made me pretty excited too."

"Can I get you guys anything?" The waiter asks; he has a very strong italian accent.

"Um, I'll just have a cappuccino for now. Thanks Vincent."

"Of course." he pauses and turns to me. "And how about for you, Mr. Timberlake?"

"I'll have a cappuccino as well. Thank you." I smile.

"No problem." he nods as he begins to walk away.

"Since when do you like coffee?" she smirks and arches a brow.

"I like cappuccinos."

"They're made with coffee."

"And other ingredients. I don't like black coffee." she exhales and surrenders her hands.

"Okay." she lets out through a small laugh.

"So, how is everything?" I ask. She smiles.

"Um, it could be better but... pretty good overall."

"Well, you look happy." I comment. She laughs.

"Oh, that's my boys." she says, pointing to her face. "They always put me in this kind of mood." I chuckle.

"How are they?" A huge smile appears on her face.

"Oh, they're great. They can be a handful sometimes though. Taking care of two boys on your own both under the age of four can drive you insane." On your own?

"Oh... I thought you were married?"

"... I am." she pauses. "Ugh, forget I said that. There's no need for me to... whatever."

"It's okay... we're here to catch up, right?" she smiles and looks down.

"Yeah, but you don't wanna here about this. It's not exactly on a lighter note."

"Not everything is." I say, trying to make her feel comfortable again. The excessive amount of shifting she's doing is an obvious sign of her discomfort.

"Well, if you insist." she begins. "You know I'm married to Kevin." I shake my head. "Well, a little after Sean was born, we were still into the whole partying scene and my mom was watching Sean all the time and she started to complain that we weren't taking care of our responsibility, so Kevin and I agreed to stop and dedicate all of our time to Sean, like we're supposed to. I kept my word; I stopped partying and became a full time mother. He kept his word for a little while; until after Jayden was born, then he went backwards completely. I'm the one raising my boys; he's never there." Holy shit, I don't know what to say. Well, I want to tell her that he's a piece of shit and she could do a hell of alot better but I can't say that, obviously.

"I'm sorry." is the best I could do.

"Ah, don't be." she swats her hand. "My mom and Jamie-Lynn help out all the time. Besides, all my boys need is me."

"You're right. And as they get older, they'll learn to appreciate everything you've done for them." she smiles.

"Yeah... Well, anyway!" she laughs. "More than enough about me, tell me what's going on with you!" she exclaims as the waiter appears beside our table.

"Your cappuccinos..." he says as he places them down in front of us. "Enjoy."

"Thank you." We say in unison.

"Well?"

"Well?" I imitate. She smirks.

"Hey.. I let you in on my life, now you let me in on yours. We're supposed to be catching up, right?" I nod.

"Okay, what would you like to know?"

"I don't know, um. Oh, your new album! It's doing so well!" I laugh.

"Yeah, I'm actually sort of surprised. I mean, this is the reaction I was hoping for but I honestly didn't think it was gonna be this intense." she smiles.

"Well, obviously you put alot of work into it. That praise is totally deserving." Oh, she's listened to it.

"Oh, so you've listened to it?" She looks up and begins to play with a few imaginary hairs on her neck. She's thinking of something to say besides the truth. Wow, I still know her incredibly well.

"Um, well," she pauses and lets out a light laugh. "I sort of own a copy." I laugh.

"You weren't planning on telling me that, were you?"

"No, I wasn't. I'm sure nobody wants your head to get any bigger." I snort.

"Oh, please! I am the furthest from being full of myself." she purses her lips then curls one end up into a half smile and narrows her eyes.

"Uh huh."

Whole Again

2008-07-10T07:28:17Z

I really appreciate all the positive feedback, I'm glad you guys are enjoying the story! I apologize for the wait in between chapters but sometimes that's how long it takes to gather my ideas and put them into writing and of course then comes the proof reading, I hate sloppy work. Anyways, thanks again and here is part one of Chapter seventeen, enjoy :)

Part one of two.

The wondrous sound of my cell phone wakes me out of a very remarkable sleep. As I reach for my phone, I glance at the clock; 9:26. I groan. Okay, I definitely went out of my way to make sure everyone I knew was aware of my day off today so whoever has decided to call me this early, better have a damn good reason. I would have fancied the remaining thirty-four minutes of sleep before actually having to get up. Without bothering to look at the front screen, I flip open my phone and put it to my ear.

"Hello?" I mumble.

"Hey... were you asleep?" Okay, so maybe I forgot to tell one person.

"Um, yeah but it's okay."

"Oh, I didn't mean to wake you. You're just usually up pretty early."

"Yeah I know, I have the day off."

"Oh, first one in a while. Nice." It would have been nicer if those thirty-four minutes were currently being put to good use.

"Yeah, it feels pretty good. So, how is everything?" I ask.

"Well, I actually have some very exciting news.." Oh, please don't be too hard on me, God.

"Oh yeah?"

"I'm coming home!" She shrieks; I clear my throat. Come again? Home, as in here? No. You still have three weeks and two days, it is not time yet.

"Oh! Wow.." I let out a nervous chuckle. I've faked excitement before, but that had to be, by far, the worst. "What happened?"

"Well, the weather's been absolutely terrible since yesterday morning and the forcast isn't showing much improvement for the next week and a half. There is no way we can shoot in this."

"Oh, that bad huh?" Come on, a little rain never hurt anybody.

"Oh yeah. It's been crazy. Mostly rain and heavy winds, but then some hail threw itself into the mix this morning. I don't know what's going on." Okay, I take that back.

"Woah, so how are you gonna catch a flight out?"

"Well, once the winds get lighter and the rain slows down a bit, we'll be on the first flight out. The airline is gonna keep us updated."

"Oh, so do you know if you're definitely getting a flight out today?" That was a dumb question.

"I hope. The last we heard, the next departure probably won't be until late this afternoon and that's if we're lucky." Okay, so I definitely got the rest of today. I guess that'll do, considering I don't have much of a choice.

"Oh man. Well, let me know when you get a flight out and be safe, okay?" She sighs.

"Okay. I'm so excited to see you." I can hear the smile forming on her lips. I let out a small laugh.

"So am I."

"I love you." Fuck.

"You too." Is all I can say after a few seconds; that's all I can ever say. She huffs.

"Well I gotta go. I'll call you later." she pauses, then mumbles. "...and I'd like it if you'd say the word once in a while. If it doesn't take too much out of you." She finishes, ending the call.

Well, so much for thinking she hadn't noticed my 'clever' little way around avoiding the usage of the word she abuses the usage of; um, I'm not sure if I even got what I just said. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I'm a dumbass for thinking that I could randomly just stop saying 'I love you' and start simply replying 'you too', without her noticing. She's a woman, of course she would notice that. She probably thinks it's pretty fucked up too.

I glance at the clock again; 9:49. I let out a deep sigh as I throw my head back against my pillow and shut my eyes. I lay there for a few minutes before lifting myself up to sit at the edge of my bed, then finally dragging my ass into the bathroom. I feel so lazy today. Then again, it is my day off, that's how I'm supposed to feel. I step into the shower and lean my forehead against the wall, allowing the water to ease it's way down my body. I'm kind of looking forward to lunch with Britney today. It's been unexpectedly enjoyable the last few times I've talked to her. No awkwardness or uncomfortable silences; it's like nothing ever happened between us and we're simply just old friends. I like it that way. I'd rather not think about what happened so long ago; that's when the awkwardness would kick in, and I'd like to stay as far away from that as possible; I'm sure she does too.

I turn the water off and step out of the shower. As I'm drying myself off, I glance in the mirror and run my fingers through the thicker section of hair in the middle of my head; I need a shape up. I wrap the towel around my waist and walk back into my room, towards my closet. I stand in front, with the doors open, staring at the selection. After a few minutes, I settle on a pair of jeans, a gray tee, and a black jacket I'll throw on just before I leave. Oh, and of course some good ol' comfy sneakers. Just as I finish dressing, I glance at the clock; 11:18. Damn, I am extremely slow today. I don't think I ever recall a time in my life where I took over an hour to shower and get dressed; with the exception of tv appearances and award ceremonies, where the time it takes to get ready is completely out of my hands.

I take a quick glimpse at myself in the mirror before grabbing the jacket I've decided on and heading downstairs. I grab my keys in the foyer and head out. As I begin to drive towards Lucca's, I realize that I have to drive through an area that I haven't driven through in quite some time. I'd say approximately five years, actually. I only used to travel this way exclusively to see Britney; her house is only but a block or two from the cafe. As I continue on this route, I pass a familiar place; a studio to be specific. It's not a studio for recording though; we used to go there to rehearse with our choreographers. Obviously at separate times, but we shared the same studio. And choreographer.

I never liked that studio.

Or the choreographer.

Whole Again

2008-06-19T08:22:45Z

A sudden weight on the opposite side of the bed causes me to slightly awaken out of my sleep. Ever since Jamie Lynn was a little girl, she would sneak into my bed in the middle of the night and sleep there until morning; since she stayed over last night, I figured it was just her. I then feel a warm breath on my neck, causing me to shift. The feeling of a hand making it's way up my thigh makes me fully aware that Jamie Lynn is not the one occupying the space in my bed. I feel my body involuntarily shake as I abruptly open my eyes and turn around to see who's lying behind me. My eyes are then met with glassy brown ones and the air instantly begins to reek of alcohol.

"What are you doing?!" I spit as I turn my body completely around and push Kevin off of me.

"Come on, Brit. Don't ruin this." Ruin what? Is this supposed to be some sort of romantic moment? Just a tip: showering and brushing your teeth is a good start. He starts to suck on my neck and continues to rub my thigh, only more aggressively. His hand then makes it's way up the side of my body, stops at my breast and begins massaging it forcefully.

"Ow! Kevin stop! Get off of me!" I say raising my voice but trying not to be too loud.

"Come on. It's been awhile." He whines continuing to touch me in various places of my body. No shit it's been awhile. Is it seriously taking him this long to catch my drift? It's been well over the natural amount of time a married couple goes without having sex; if it hasn't happened by now, it's not going to; well, at least in my case it's not.

"Kevin, I'm serious." I say sternly, still trying to keep my voice level down.

"So am I." He whispers. That's it.

"FUCKING GET OFF!" I yell as I kick him, causing him to fall off the bed. Well, there goes the goal of keeping my voice at a dull roar; and a thump to go along with it.

"What the fuck, Britney?" He shouts, getting up. I suddenly see a figure appear at the door in the corner of my eye. Shit, I knew someone was gonna wake up.

"What's goin' on?" I look over to see Jamie Lynn dashing her eyes back and forth between me and Kevin.

"Everything's fi--" Before I could finish my sentence, Kevin opens his mouth and some very useful words leave that fucking hole in his head.

"What are you doing here?" He asks rather rudely, looking at Jamie. I love how he's so respectable towards my family.

"Seeing my sister." She pauses. Something else is coming, I know it. "What are you doing here?" Oh God, here she goes.

"This is my house."

"Oh! right," She exclaims sarcastically, tossing her hand up and to the side. "I guess I didn't realize, you know? Considering you're never here." Oh shit.

"Jamie." I say before Kevin can respond. "Check on the boys for me, please." She looks at me. "Now." I say through gritted teeth.

"Sure." She nods. When she leaves the doorway, Kevin turns to me.

"So, what exactly have you been telling her?" He asks.

"I haven't told her anything. She's not stupid, Kevin. Whenever she's here, you're not; and she's here quite often. Anyone would start to take notice." Assbag.

"Well, you should tell her to stay out of our business." Our business?

"We don't have any business."

"Oh yeah? Then what do you call this?"

"You being obnoxious." He snorts.

"Me being obnoxious? I didn't know that trying to be affectionate with your wife was considered being obnoxious." Oh, would you like a fucking 'Husband of the Year' Award now? A little late, buddy.

"Well, when someone repeatedly tells you to stop and you don't, that's considered obnoxious." He huffs.

"Why are you acting like such a prude, anyway? You used to want sex all the time; we have two kids to prove it." Yeah, that was before you became a deadbeat and decided to have kids but still remain one yourself.

"Because I don't want it anymore." He furrows his eyebrows.

"You don't want sex anymore?" Nope.

"Not from you." He pauses.

"What the fuck are you talkin' about? Who do you want it from then?" He asks moving towards me, clearly becoming angered. I shake my head.

"Just not from you." He stops.

"Well, I don't want it from you either." So I guess I mistakened the excessive groping for a friendly awakening? Whoops.

"Right."

"I'm outta here." He pauses as he takes a few big steps towards his closet, grabs a bag, and begins to stuff some clothes in it. "There are so many other women out there who want it from me, so many." He says as he zips his bag.

"Well, go get 'em tiger." He walks back over to the foot of the bed.

"You'll be sorry." He pauses, leans over close to my left ear and whispers, "I'm the best fuck you've ever had and you know it." I roll my eyes.

"Have fun." He chuckles as he begins to make his way out of the room.

"Oh I will." I smile and give him a 'thumbs up'.

I step out of my bed, walk to the doorway, and listen for the front door. Once I hear it slam close, I make my way down the hall and stop at the boys' door; I wait a few seconds before I open it. When I reach for the knob, the door suddenly swings open.

"Did he leave?" Jamie asks. I shake my head.

"Uh huh." She looks down.

"I'm really sorry about before.." She apologizes. I scoff.

"Whatever, he deserves it."

"So, is he coming back?" It'd be really nice if he didn't.

"Oh yeah." I pause. "He did take some clothes with him this time though, so who knows how long he'll disappear for."

"Oh, I'm sorry." She says, looking down once again. I chuckle. Why? I'm not.

"Don't be, this isn't even remotely your fault, JL. We had this coming for a long time. If I'm lucky, maybe he won't come back." She looks up.

"He just changed so much. He never used to be like this. It's rediculous how much of a deadbeat he is." She pauses and looks back at the boys playing on Sean's bed. "I mean, how could you not want to be in their lives and raise them and watch them grow up? They're amazing." I smile as they look over and notice me standing in the doorway.

"Mama!" Jayden yells. "Hi Mama!" Sean exclaims immediately after.

"Hello my little studs." I pause and turn to Jamie. "They are amazing; They're my life." I say looking over at them once again.

"That's what they should be. Too bad Kevin doesn't think the same."

"Yeah. He doesn't even matter anymore." I finish, walking over to where the boys are and kissing each of them on their foreheads.

"Are you guys up for pancakes?" I laugh as I see their heads shoot up from where they were focusing and stare at me with their big eyes.

"Pancakes?!" They ask excitedly.

"Yup." Huge smiles form on their faces as Sean quickly climbs out of his bed, and Jayden stands up with his arms out waiting for me to pick him up. I laugh.

"Okay, let's go!" I turn to Jamie, "You comin'?" She smiles.

"Actually, I think I'm gonna lay down for little; it's still pretty early. Do you mind if I use your bed?" I chuckle.

"Go right ahead." I say as I begin to walk down the hall with the boys. "Oh yeah, JL?" I call out.

"Yeah?"

"Do me a favor and answer my phone if it rings? It'll be Mama to let us know when she's gonna come pick you up." I finish.

"Okay!" I hear her answer as I make my way down the stairs and into the kitchen with the boys.

"Alright guys, ya'll ready for some dee-licious pancakes?!" I ask as Sean climbs into a 'big boy chair', as he likes to call them, and I place Jayden in his high chair.

"Yeah, yeah Mama!" They exclaim in unison. I smile and begin to rummage through the cabinets for the pancake mix.

I gather all of the ingredients and whip up a batch of some sensational pancakes; mini pancakes to be specific, the boys love the minis. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make some pretty intense pancakes. I'm not exactly sure what I do that makes them so much better than all the others I've tasted, but it's mouth-watering. Finishing up, I place two pancakes on each of the boys' plates, cut them up, and pour some syrup on them. I've never seen any kids eat as fast as mine do. It has to be some sort of record.

As I'm pouring myself a glass of orange juice, Jamie Lynn appears next to me holding my cell phone out as if someone's on the other line.

"Mama?" I ask looking at her, waiting for her to nod or give me some sort of confirmation. She hands me the phone; I take it.

"Nope." She smirks slightly. Okay?

"Well? Who is it?" I ask, putting the phone to my ear. She doesn't answer me.

"Hello?" I ask into the phone.

"Hey." I know this voice.

"Justin?"

"Yeah, how are you?" I will be pretty damn fabulous after today.

"I'm pretty good, how are you?" He lightly chuckles.

"Still busy, but not bad. I actually have the day off tomorrow, can you believe it?" I smile, allowing a slight laugh to escape my mouth.

"Ooh that's exciting." He laughs.

"Sadly, it is. I should be excited about more exciting things; instead I'm overjoyed when I'm granted a day off." I chuckle.

"Well, I'm sure you're not alone. I used to feel the same way." I actually kinda miss that.

"Yeah well, I'm sure you're wondering why I'm calling.." Yeah, there has to be a reason, I doubt he would call me up just to chat; actually I know he wouldn't.

"Um, sorta yeah." I laugh.

"I was actually just calling to see if you were free tomorrow afternoon? Because if I remember correctly, you owe me lunch." Wow, he actually remembered that?

"Oh right, I do owe you." I pause. "Well, lucky for you, the boys are visiting my mom for the day tomorrow so I do happen to be free."

"Oh good! Yes, free lunch." Oh yeah right, buddy.

"Ha, don't get too excited; I never said I was paying for you." He exhales.

"Damn. Nevermind then..." I laugh, he joins in. "Nah, I'm just kidding."

"Oh man, you definitely had me for a second." He snorts.

"Did I really?!" Yeah right.

"No." I laugh. he sighs.

"Alright, anyway...where would you like to meet?" He asks.

"Um, well there's this little privately owned cafe around the block from me. We know the family who owns it and they have this back area that's away from the huge windows in the front so it's less likely we'll be seen. Maybe you know it, Lucca's?"

"Oh yeah, Lucca's! It's on Canon Drive right?"

"Yeah, yeah that's it."

"Yeah, we should go there, it's really quiet and sorta secluded."

"Okay, so Lucca's it is! Is noon good for you?" I ask.

"Oh yeah, noon's good."

"Great, so I'll see you tomorrow." I finish.

"Yup, tomorrow." He concludes, and I end the call.

"When did you start talking to Justin again, and why didn't I know about it?!" Jamie Lynn asks, sounding slightly aggrevated.

"Alli and I ran into him a couple of months back at the beanery."

"A couple of months?! Britney! Why didn't you tell me?!" Why is she freaking out?

"Because it wasn't that big of a deal, Jamie. All we did was talk for a little while and Alli and Trace were with us."

"Well, still. I would have liked to know, it was slightly shocking picking up the phone and hearing his voice, I haven't heard it in so long. Besides, you knew how much I missed him." Okay, go on and make me feel bad now. I sigh.

"Okay, I'm sorry. I just wasn't expecting him to call, I would've told you if I was. And I knew how much you missed him but I figured it'd be pointless to tell you I ran into him because I didn't think anything would come of it. I just thought it would be a one time run-in and that's all." I finish.

"Yeah, well have fun on your date tomorrow." Huh?

"Date? No, lunch." She smirks.

"Right. Well call me tomorrow and let me know how your date goes." Alright smartass.

"JL stop, that's not what it is; that is far from what it is." I pause. "Oh and this is not to leave this house, okay? I'm serious Jamie Lynn. I don't want Mama knowing about this, you know how she jumps to conclusions about everything." She nod.

"I know, I know. I promise I won't say anything." I look passed her out the window to see Mama pull up.

"Oh there's Mama." She turns her head to the window.

"I thought she was gonna call before she came?"

"Well, I guess she decided not to." I pause. "Alright, give me a hug." I say as I embrace her.

"I love you, and don't forget to call me tomorrow after...well, you know!" She shouts as she walks out the front door. I should kick her ass.

Whole Again

2008-05-31T05:37:39Z

You know, I've never really realized how relaxing 'alone time' can actually be. Probably because most of my life I've always had at least one other person in my presence at all times. More recently, that other person has been Cameron. To be completely honest, since she left for London four days ago, I've seemed to reach a very calm state of mind. Even though I still have all of this other shit going on, not having her around in the process, lifts a good amount of weight off my shoulders. I'm sure nobody likes to listen to little petty rants about stupid shit after a long day and then have to explain themselves, even if there's nothing to explain; but if it shuts her up, hell, just pull something out of your ass, anything.

Maybe somehow I can train my mind to stay like this, even when she comes back; that would be ideal.

I'm on my way home from the studio. I've just finished reviewing yet another week of itineraries, joy. I love my job, I really do, but I think I've already expressed my feelings about interviews; they tend to scare the shit out of me. I really don't know how it doesn't show because when I'm being interviewed, my hands get shaky, my legs never stop moving like I have Restless Leg Syndrome or something, and I sweat profusely; yeah, not nice. On the upside though, this week won't be nearly as busy as last week; I might actually be able to get more than ten hours of sleep for the week. Oh yeah, and Cameron won't be on me like a dog on his mate during mating season. That's always a plus.

As I pull into the driveway, my phone goes off.

"Hello?"

"Yo." Trace.

"Um, correct me if I'm wrong, but you were the one accompanying me in the studio about 15 minutes ago right?" he pauses. I can see the look on his face right now.

"Look buddy. I happen to have some very exciting news."

"Oh! Did your constipation finally go away?!"

"Fuck you, douche bag. Do you wanna hear it or not?" I laugh.

"Alright killer, let me have it."

"Your ass was granted the day off tomorrow. Congratulations."

"Oh, what happened?" I ask.

"Originally, we were supposed to be in the studio today and tomorrow to review your itineraries but since we finished them all today...you're free tomorrow." he explains.

"Hmm.." I smile and nod. "Well, thank you for the news my good man."

"Yeah, yeah." he pauses. "So, you'll be spending the day beating it I presume? You should try new positions, maybe stroking it a different way; make it more exciting, you know?" I smirk. Oh nice. Need better comebacks, bro.

"Hmm, no. I know that's how you'll be spending yours though. Can't keep your hands off it, huh? It's so sexy." Silence. I win.

"Yeah, cause I don't have Britney to do it for me." Britney.

"Oh yeah..." I just remembered.

"Huh?! Wait. I was kidding.." dumbass.

"Shut up moron. I talked to her about two weeks ago and told her I'd let her know when I had time off so we could catch up." I hear Trace exhale.

"Oh. Catch up, huh? Classic." he snorts.

"Yeah, catch up. As in talk about shit going on in our lives. What do you think we're gonna do?"

"Dude, 'catch up' is a worldwide translation for 'I wanna get together so we can talk, have a moment, and ultimately end up in your pants'. Well, obviously only dealing with two people of the opposite sex." he pauses. "Unless you're gay." Are you kidding me?

"Wow. This is the reason why I don't listen to you. Sometimes I wonder if there really is anything between those huge ass dumbo ears."

"Whatever, bro. I'm just tellin' it how it is."

"Okay. Well thanks for the advice, oh wise one." he grunts.

"Fine, don't believe me. You'll see when it happens." Hah.

"Alright, well I'll let you know!" I shriek sarcastically.

"Have fun on your date." he ends.

"You too. Don't keep junior waiting!" I laugh and end the call.

I toss my phone on my bed and head towards the bathroom for a shower. Where the hell does Trace come up with these ridiculous---I don't even know what to call them. Worldwide translation? Come on. He is my best friend and all but sometimes he really makes me wonder. Anyway, I think I'm gonna give Britney a call. Besides the fact that I told her I would, I think it would be nice to catch up. She seems to have changed since we split. I'm not sure exactly how she's changed but she definitely has; and in a good way. When Trace and I first ran into Britney and her cousin at the beanery it was weird and extremely awkward; to be honest, I wasn't really too fond of it happening. Once we all sat down together and started to reminisce though, it became unexpectedly enjoyable. Although it wasn't exactly what we were talking about, Britney's outlook on life seemed to change just based on the way she engaged herself in the conversation. She seemed more...mature, I guess you could say.

I step out of the shower, grab a towel, and dry myself off. I make my way back into my room and throw a pair of basketball shorts and a wife beater on. I collapse on my bed, focusing my eyes on the ceiling and resting my hands on my stomach. After a few minutes, my phone goes off, breaking me from my trance. I reach to my right, grab my phone, and glance at the front screen. I groan.

"Hello?" I answer.

"Hey baby." Cameron greets.

"Hey, how was your flight?"

"It was okay; really long though."

"Yeah, a flight to London's a killer." I agree.

"So how's everything going?" Just fine, actually.

"Okay, in and out of the studio as usual. How's about you? Start filming yet?" she sighs.

"Not yet. We start early tomorrow morning." she pauses. "I miss you." Oh, there it goes. I knew this was coming. I take a breath.

"I miss you, too." I lie.

"I don't know if I'll be able to last a whole month, Justin." she chokes. Fuck, why does she always have to cry?

"Yes you can, Cam. I know it's a while but with all the time you'll be spending on set, you won't have time to think about it and before you know it, you'll be on a flight back home."

"Yeah, I guess. There's no way you'd be able to fly here for a day?" NO. Definitely not.

"I would Cam, but I'm gonna be just as busy as you." Okay, not exactly.

"Ugh, I know, I know. Just hoping for a change I guess." These are the times when she makes me feel bad.

"Don't worry about it, we'll see eachother soon enough." she sighs.

"Yeah, you're right." Unfortunately. Okay no, that was mean.

"Well, enjoy the rest of your day and I'll talk to you soon, okay?" I conclude.

"Okay, I love you." I have to say, those three words just might kill me one day.

"You too." That's all I can say, ending the call. The word 'love' seems to have eliminated itself from my vocabulary. Well, when I'm talking to Cameron at least.

With the phone still in my hand, I think of calling Britney again. I open my phone once again and dial her number. Damn, I impress myself sometimes; my memory is amazing. Without further thought, I press send. There are a few rings before someone picks up.

"Hello?" A voice answers with a very southern tone.

"Hi...Britney?"

"Justin?!" she shrieks.

"Yeah.." Um?

"It's Jamie Lynn." Holy shit.

"Oh, hey kid! How are you?" she chuckles.

"I'm good, how are you?"

"Pretty good."

"Oh, good!" she pauses and laughs. "Oh, you probably wanna talk to Britney? Sorry I'll get her for you." I laugh. "Okay, here she is. Nice talking to you." she finishes.

"Take care, sweetheart." And with that, she hands me over to Britney.

Whole Again

2008-01-21T08:03:51Z

Hey guys, I'm starting classes again tuesday so I won't be able to post as often, but I will try my best to get in at least one update a week. I have no friday classes this semester so that means three day weekends for me and more time to update! Just letting you guys know in advance...enjoy chapter fourteen =]

I am awoken by the touch of a tiny hand on my cheek. I open my eyes and am met with my boys; wide-eyed and alert.

"Hi, Mama." Sean whispers as he rubs the side of my face. I smile.

"Hey baby, gimme a kiss." I pucker my lips. He smiles big and leans in to kiss me.

"Hey, get over here, booger; I want one from you too!" I say, referring to Jayden. He giggles and runs over to me, grabbing my face and smooshing his lips on mine.

"Woah, that was a big one!"

"Mama, can me and Jay have oatmeal?" Sean asks.

"Mmm, apple!" Jayden adds.

"Mmm, oatmeal; that sounds yummy... let's go get some." I say as I lift myself out of bed.

I pick Jayden up, take Sean's hand and begin to make my way down the hall, carefully down the stairs, and into the kitchen. I sit Jayden in his high-chair and Sean seats himself in a 'big kids' chair, as he likes to call them.

"Okay so Jay wants apple, right baby?" I ask as I begin to search the cabinet.

"Yay, Mama, apple!" I laugh.

"Alright, so how about you, Seany? Let's see, we have apple, brown sugar, cinnamon..."

"Seany went over there, Mama." Jayden says. I look away from the cabinet and back at Jayden, then in the direction he is pointing to.

"I'll be right back baby." I say as I begin to walk down the hallway. "Sean? Seany?"

"I'm in here, Mama." I hear his voice as I turn the corner and see the guest room door open; oh Jesus, please don't wake Kevin up baby. I call out just above a whisper.

"Seany, what are you do--" I stop as I enter the room and realize Kevin isn't here.

"Where's daddy?" Yeah, where the hell is he?

"I don't know, baby."

"He's never here, Mama." he pouts and lowers his head. I bend down to match Sean's height and take his hands in mine. I sigh.

"I'm sorry I don't know what to say, baby. I'm always here and I love you and your brother very much." I smile. "Now, how's about that oatmeal?" I ask, changing the subject; he lift his head.

"Bown suga?" I nod.

"Brown sugar." he smiles.

"Okay."

"Let's go get some, little man." I say as I take his hand and lead him back down the hallway and into the kitchen.

"Where you go?!" Jayden yells, crossing his arms. I can't help but laugh a little.

"I'm sorry baby. I'm gonna make some oatmeal right now, okay?"

"Hurry!"

"Yes sir, I'm on it!" I salute. They laugh.

"So, what do you guys wanna do today?" I ask as I prepare their oatmeal.

"Umm, I wanna watch a movie!" Sean answers.

"Oh yeah? What movie?"

"Shrek!" Jayden exclaims.

"Yeah, Shrek!" Sean adds.

"One or two?" I ask as I place their bowls on the table in front of them.

"Two!" they exclaim in unison. I laugh.

"That's what I thought."

In case I haven't already told you; they absolutely love Shrek 2. They've seen it so many times, I can practically recite the entire movie word for word. Before I know it, they've finished their breakfast and have occupied a spot on the couch, waiting patiently for their movie. I clear their bowls from the table, quickly wash them, and place them on the dish rack to dry. As I make my way into the living room, Sean runs up to me with the movie in his hand.

"Here you go, Mama!" I smile.

"Thank you baby." He runs back over to his reserved spot on the couch as I place the DVD in the DVD player.

"Okay, all set!"

"Yay, thank you Mama!" the boys say in unison.

"Your welcome. Can you guys do a favor for me?" they shake their heads.

"Uh huh."

"Be good and stay here while Mama looks for something; if you need me, call out, okay?"

"Kay."

Even though they love this movie, they get easily distracted and love to explore the house all on their own. I've had a few of those cases before and almost died of a heart attack. They'll be fine this time though; I'm just going into the guest room which is right down here, not upstairs, where the rest of the rooms are because nobody wants Kevin within ten feet of them.

After watching a few minutes of the movie with them, waiting until they have become completely concentrated on it, I walk down the hall and into the room Sean snuck into just before breakfast; the guest room, better known now as Kevin's room. I'm not too sure where this vermin is right now but it obviously ain't here. Now, he's either done one of two things: started his very productive day extremely early or just never stepped through the front door last night. I'm leaning more towards the latter. Not that I really care, but I find myself becoming more and more curious as to what he does all these nights turned into days when he's not here. I know he's not with his mother or at the studio like he says he is most of the time; if I call his mother, her exact words would probably be "Oh Kevin? How's my baby doin'?"; and the studio? as much as he says he's there, he should've released about five albums already. He should just stop lying already and just tell me he's going out to waste his life away and become more of a dead-beat father. I mean, does he really think I'm that stupid? I can feel myself getting closer and closer to the edge with him. One of these days I'm just going to take my boys and leave. I really don't even know why I make it seem like I'm staying with him for the boys; they never see him anyway, it won't even make a difference!

I find myself nosily rummaging through the shit piled all over the place in his room. I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up getting a disease from touching this shit; this is fucking disgusting. I make my way over to the night table next to the bed; there's an alarm clock, a pack of cigarettes, a dirty plate, and a few pieces of paper. I pick up the little pieces of paper and unfold them; phone numbers. I feel a smirk begin to form on my face; what a surprise. I told you he couldn't go this long without sex. It's been about two and a half months; I knew he'd be with other women by now. All I know is, two and a half months ago was the last and will always be the last time I ever had sex with Kevin. He actually might want to get himself checked out; he would't wanna wake up with those nasty penis sores, they're not nice.

I place the papers with the numbers on them back down on the night stand and make my way out of the room, closing the door on my way out. I walk back into the living room and find the boys exactly as I left them; on the couch and staring intently at the tv screen. I feel a smile creep it's way onto my face as I make my way over to the couch and take a seat next to Jayden. I think I've figured out why I haven't gotten myself and the boys out of here; I'm scared. I'm afraid that it will cause something so huge that it will affect my boys. If I just up and leave with them, Kevin will call the police and accuse me of kidnapping, even though I'm their mother. We'll have to go to court for custody and the divorce, of course. Meanwhile, the boys will be juggled back and forth between the both of us and little by little, they'll get screwed up. See, even though Kevin's never home therefore, he never spends time with his kids, he would fight me for custody anyway just to piss me off. I'm sure you don't get why he would do that, right? I mean, he never spends time with his kids anyway, so what would be the difference if they just weren't around him at all? Yeah, well don't really get it either; but he would do it. He knows their the best things that have ever happened to me, and he would try to take them away, just to hurt me; not even considering their feelings.

So, I've also come to realize; whether I stay here or I leave, either way the boys will be affected, and not in a positive way. By staying here, they boys are aware of where Kevin and I stand with each other and they know he's never home, which upsets them. And if I leave, so many bad things will happen and I'd have to bear with seeing them upset all the time.

So, either way I lose; either way my boys lose; and either way, this situation doesn't have a happy ending.

Whole Again

2008-01-12T02:40:21Z

I see her standing there, in the corner of the room with her back facing me; damn, even from the back she's perfect. I make my way through the dimly lit room and stop only inches away from her body; she doesn't see me. I lean in and absorb the aroma she gives off; that overwhelmingly breathtaking yet way too familiar aroma. I slowly lift my hand to her shoulder and move her hair to the side, giving me access to one of the most beautiful parts on a woman's body. I lay my lips gently on her neck and begin placing kisses on every inch of it. She doesn't protest, not even a flinch; instead, she lifts her arm and places her hand on my head, slowly moving it around and down my neck. I place my hands on her sides and let them slide until they reach her hips, where they rest. I feel her place her hands on top of mine, entertwining my fingers with hers. After a few seconds, she moves her hands away from mine and to the buttons on her blouse, slowly unbottoning each one; top to bottom. She then sneaks her hands behind her, finding my belt buckle. While she attempts to unbuckle my belt, I feel my hands move slowly from her waist and back up her sides until they find her breasts; I feel myself become more and more aroused with every moan that escapes her mouth. She's successful with the unbuckling of my belt and unbuttoning of my pants, causing me to move my hands from her breasts down her body until they reach her thighs; when they do, I slide one hand up her skirt and in between her legs; the heat lingering is so intense. Suddenly, she whips herself around to face me; I still can't see her face, the light seems to have dimmed even more than before. All I see in the near pitch blackness is her vibrant smile and the slight glistening of her big round orbs; She looks way too familiar, I have to know who she is. She grabs the rim of my pants and aggressively pushes them off my waist, causing them to fall to my knees. I place my hands on her thighs and once again move them up her skirt, finding the rim of her panties and pulling them down; once they reach her knees, she kicks them completely off. I push her backwards until her back reaches the wall behind her. I pull myself out of my briefs and lift her leg so it rests on my side. Without hesitation, I push into her, locking our hips together and following a steady pace. I hear her panting become more frantic as I begin to pick up my speed.

"Oh, Justin.." That voice. No, it can't be...Britney?!

"Jay? Baby?" I shake abruptly out of my sleep, opening my eyes to see Cameron staring at me. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."

"No, it's alright. What do you need?" She eyes me.

"I don't need anything, I just thought you might've wanted to see me off? I'm leaving for London, remember?" Oh, how could I forget?

"Oh, right. Sorry, I completely forgot." Why does she look so pissed? Okay so I forgot; kill me.

"Yeah, well I'm leaving for the airport in a half an hour. You wanna help me with my bags?" Do I have a choice?

"Yeah, sure. Just let me throw something on."

"I'll be in the kitchen." she says as she leaves the room.

Damn, someone has something not too pleasant stuck up their ass this morning. Jesus Christ, she looked like she wanted to stab me. Sorry if your little trip to London isn't the most important thing on my mind right now; or anytime for that matter. Yeah, I know that sounds pretty fucked up but Cameron really hasn't been my favorite person lately. I've actually been having alot more 'meetings' than originally scheduled just to avoid little tiffs with her. And when I say 'meetings', I mean going to Trace's place and doing shit; well, besides the actual meetings I have to go to. This trip will do me good; she's going to be in London for a month. Yes, a month. I am praising God right about now. These last three weeks, since she's gotten back from her parent's house, have been way too much for me; she gets so clingy, sometimes it literally makes me nauseous.

I get out of bed, throw on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, and make my way out of my room and down the hall. When I get to the top of the stairs, I hesitate for a second then continue my way down the stairs and into the kitchen where she is leaning against the counter with a cup of coffee in her hand.

"Hey." I greet. She looks up.

"Hey. I made coffee if you want some."

"Thanks, I'm good." She nods.

"Okay, we should probably start loading my bags in the car."

"When's your flight?" I ask.

"10:20." I glance at the clock; 8:12.

"Yeah, we should start. Where are your bags?"

"Turn around." I do just that. I laugh slightly.

"How'd I miss that?" she smirks.

"I don't know, how did you?" I look at her; nice sarcasm. What the fuck is her problem?

I grab one of her suitcases and a carry on and make my way to the front door, with her behind me carrying the remaining of her luggage. I open the door, and make my down the stairs, through the driveway and to the car. After loading her bags into the trunk, she shuts it and turns to me.

"It's gonna be a while." Shit, she's gonna cry. I reach out to hug her.

"It'll be fun, you'll be back before you know it." I say, trying to comfort her.

"Yeah, I'm just gonna miss you; I can't stand being away from you so long." Really? About five seconds ago, you were practically biting my head off.

"Me too, but you'll be so busy, you won't even have time to think about me." She smiles and shakes her head.

"I always think about you." she pauses. "I'm sorry I was bitchy before; I guess I was just upset that you forgot I was leaving today."

"Don't worry about it; I've just had alot of other shit on my mind, it must have slipped."

"Yeah, I know; I was being selfish, I'm sorry." I nod and kiss her on the forehead.

"You better get going, you don't wanna miss your flight." She nods and lightly kisses me on the lips.

"I love you." There go those words again.

"You too. Have a safe flight."

"I will." she finishes as she steps into the driver's seat and starts the car. She slowly backs out of the driveway and waves as she drives off. Feeling this relieved as my girlfriend leaves for London for a month makes me feel like a very bad person.

Once she's out of sight, I walk back up the driveway, up the stairs, and as I walk through the front door, my phone goes off.

"Hello?"

"Whaddup, bitch?!" I laugh.

"Wow, you're a loser."

"You love it." Okay, buddy.

"Yeah. So what time are we meeting Johnny?"

"Noon, so you might wanna get up before eleven." Good one, dumbass.

"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind."

"Good. So did Cammy the barbarian leave yet?" Yeah, he loves her.

"She just did."

"Yesss." I shake my head.

"You are so fucked up, man." he laughs.

"I'm fucked up? You're fucked up. I don't have to like her; you do, but you dont."

"What the fuck are you talking about? She's my girlfriend; of course I like her." he laughs again.

"Yeah, that's why you're so sexually frustrated."

"Fuck you, man! I get laid plenty."

"Okay Jay, keep telling yourself that." I will.

"Fuck you, bitch. I'll see your dumb ass at noon." With that, I end the call and make my way up the stairs. He is such a fucking douche bag piece of shit sometimes. I actually think it would bring me great pleasure if I can ring his neck right about now.

When I enter my room, I toss my phone on the bed and head into the bathroom for a shower. I really hate to fucking admit it, but Trace is right; I am sexually frustrated. I have sex with myself more than I have sex with my girlfriend. But that would actually be my fault because I could have sex with her if I wanted to; she's always jumping my goods. I just don't want to; not with her. Damn, what the hell am I going to do about this. I can't be in a relationship with a woman that I'm not in love with and can barely even stand the thought of being with sexually. Jesus Christ, this fucking sucks.

I turn the nob to shut the water off and step out of the shower. I grab a towel, dry myself off then place it around my waist and walk back into my room. I make my way across the room and stop at my closet. When I open the doors, I'm met with a picture on the mirror; the one of me holding Jon the day he was born; the one Britney returned to me.

Wait... Britney. Wasn't she? My dream? the dream I had last night. No... yeah. Holy shit, she was the one in my dream; it was her. What the fuck? Why would I have a dream with her in it? Especially a dream like.. that? I mean, this shit was pretty graphic; that's shit I should be doing with Cameron. Woah nevermind, unless I want to gag in the process, I might want to stay away from that. I know it's only a dream, but I haven't had one with her in it in a really long time; I'm talking years. Now, all of a sudden I randomly have a dream with her in it and it wasn't exactly PG. I sigh.

Well whatever, a dream's a dream, right? They don't mean anything.

Whole Again

2008-01-04T09:15:07Z

"

Okay, so I'm not even gonna bother lying to myself; the only thing that's been on my mind the last few days besides the intense urge to commit murder upon the waste of skin that I'm married to, is the fact that I ran out of the studio last week leaving Justin with nothing. I mean, I told Kate to give him my message and I'm sure she did but I didn't tell him. So, he probably thinks the excuse I gave was bull, especially since I left right after he asked me about the ginormous bruise on my wrist; I hate how fucking stupid I can be sometimes. What bothers me more is that I haven't even spoken to him since that happened and for some reason, that makes me think he's pissed at me or something. I don't know why though, it's not like I was actually expecting him to call me or anything. I guess I was just hoping he would; just so he could let me know that we're still okay.

I'm glad that we ran into eachother a few weeks back and have decided to keep in touch. Justin has always been that one person who never let me down; I can always count on him to be there when I need him. Even after our relationship failed, he still made it clear to me: 'If there is ever a time when you need me, I'll be there.' It takes a truly great person to promise their ex time and support whenever they may need it, no questions asked. So, now that Justin and I have started to build up a friendship again, I don't want to lose touch with him over me being a coward. I think I should call him, just to straighten things out. Yeah, I should... right?

I glance at the clock; 9:37am. I woke up some time ago but haven't really found the strength to get out of bed; I've been lying here for about an hour just staring at the ceiling. After so long, my mind couldn't help but drift, causing me to think about everything and anything there is. Ugh, I need to get up, I'm getting a brain cramp. I sit up slowly, peel the covers off my body, and lock my eyes on the floor beneath me; I wonder why the boys aren't up yet? They're usually waking me at 8am to make them breakfast. Just then, I hear Sean's voice.

"But I no want cereal!" he says, annoyed. I quickly lift myself from the edge of my bed and follow his voice; it sounds like it's coming from downstairs. I make my way down the hall and stop at the top of the stairs; who is he talking to?

"Well, then what do you want?" Kevin.

"I toll you, we want pancakes!"

"Pancake!" Jayden chimes in.

"Why not cereal?" Kevin asks; he's so fucking lazy. I continue my way down the stairs and into the kitchen.

"Mamaaa!" the boys greet in unison.

"Hey Seany; Jay." I respond as I kiss each of them on the forehead.

"Mama, can you make us pancakes?" Sean asks.

"You got them so used to eating that shit all the time, they refuse to eat anything else." Kevin states before I have the chance to answer; I look at him.

"They don't eat it all the time." He better not start his shit, I am not in the fucking mood.

"Bullshit, yeah they do." How the fuck would he know what the boys eat for breakfast? He's never here!

"Okay whatever, can you watch your mouth in front of the boys please?" I ask, trying my best not to lose it.

"Why? It's not like they haven't heard it from you before." I ignore his comment and turn to Sean.

"Sure, baby; I'll make some pancakes." I say as I search the cabinet for the mix.

"That's why they go to you for everything; you give them whatever the hell they want." He snorts. "Great way to raise your kids." Okay so, all of a sudden Kevin knows something about raising kids? That's a joke; he knows how to raise kids about as much as I know how to fly an airplane.

"They come to me for everything because I'm the only one here."

"What are you tryin' to say?"

"Nothing, Kevin, nothing." Why doesn't he just leave?

"Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm fuckin' outta here." He spits, as he walks out of the kitchen and out the front door, slamming it behind him.

I look back at the boys; they are looking down, not making a peep. It takes alot to silence them. Although it seems, when Kevin's around, it doesn't take much at all. I hate seeing them like this. I sigh.

"Hey, I'm sorry about that guys. You okay?" they nod. I walk over to the table, pan in hand, and place a single pancake on each of their plates.

"Tank you, Mama." Jayden says.

"Your welcome, baby."

"Mama?"

"Yeah, Seany?"

"Why is daddy always mad?" he asks with a frown.

"I wish I knew, baby." I pause. "He's not mean to you and your brother is he?"

"No, but he's not very nice to you." I lightly touch the back of my hand along the side of his face.

"I know, babe. We'll work on it, okay? Things will get better, I promise." I kiss his forehead.

"Kay." Sean answers.

You know what's funny? All this time, I actually thought the boys were oblivious to the fact that Kevin and I practically hate each other. I guess age means nothing when it comes to sensing tension between others around you because Sean is two years old, he's very aware, and it's affecting him. Jayden, on the other hand, hasn't picked it up so much. At the moment, the arguing bothers him but when it's over, he doesn't think about it. Sean does. He notices that Kevin's always so negative, and that we don't show affection towards each other anymore. I fucking hate Kevin for this. Why does he have to be so immature? Why does he have to go out partying almost every night and come home drunk? Why can't he just be a father? He needs to be a father to these boys. I've been being both, a mother and a father to them.

I don't even know why he's here anymore; all he does is eat, sleep, and watch tv. Well, when he's not out partying, that is. If I tell you how long it's been since Kevin and I have been 'affectionate' with each other, you wouldn't believe it. Honestly, I think it's been about two months now. Yeah, pretty unbelievable right? And it's been even longer than that since we've been 'affectionate' and meant it. We haven't been getting along for a while now, maybe the last six months or so. Even though we were growing more and more hostile towards one another, we still had sex; just for our own individual satisfation. The past two months though, I haven't even been able to do that; he repulses me. He tried to sleep with me a few times, but I pushed him away, so he eventually stopped trying. I know he can't go this long without sex; he's been with other women, I know he has. I can smell them on him when he gets home late at night; it's digusting. I really don't even know why I am with this man, no, boy anymore; he's just dragging me and my boys down with him. We would be so much better off without his worthless ass.

3:52pm.

I laugh to myself; the boys completely wore themselves out after breakfast. Just about twenty minutes ago, they begged me to put Shrek 2 on for them; they were sound asleep in the matter of minutes. I walk over to the couch in the living room where they are sleeping and carry them both up the stairs, into their room, and lie them carefully in their beds. I kiss both of the boys lightly on their foreheads and quietly make my way out of their room and into mine. As I enter my room, I continue walking until I reach my dresser and grab a bottle of lotion. I open the cap and lightly squeeze some on my hand. As I'm rubbing it on my hands and along my arms, my eyes land on the now, faded discoloration on my wrist. Justin; I have to call him. Well, I should call him, but... NO. I am going to call him; I owe him that much.

I sit at the edge of my bed and reach for the phone on the night stand. I pick it up and begin to dial; wow, I'm surprised I still have his number memorized. I bring the phone to my left ear and listen as the phone rings; oh, there go those butterflies again. Jesus Christ.

"Hello?" he answers.

"Justin, hi; it's Britney."

"Oh, hey; how are you?" Dandy.

"I'm okay; how are you?"

"Stressed." he laughs. "I have so much shit being thrown at me."

"Oh, I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" I probably am; I have great timing.

"Oh no, not at all. I'm actually not doing anything right now." he answers, laughing lightly, causing me to do the same.

"Okay, just making sure." I say. "I usually have bad timing."

"So, is everything okay?" he asks.

"Yeah, everything's fine; why?" he pauses.

"I don't know; you just.. sound like you want to tell me something." What the fuck? How does he always know this shit? Even on the phone he's on to me.

"No." I pause. "Well.." he laughs.

"I knew it." he interrupts, causing me to roll my eyes and laugh as well.

"Shut up. I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for running out of the studio last week. Jamie-Lynn was getting ready to leave for San Francisco for a few days and..." Wow, this is a load of shit.

"Oh, don't worry about it; Kate let me know." he interrupts.

"Yeah, I know; I just feel bad because I should've told you." he chuckles.

"Well, don't feel bad. It's really no big deal, Brit."

"Yeah, I guess.."

"This has been bothering you the last few days, hasn't it?" It's pretty sad how another individual can know you almost better than you know yourself.

"Kinda." he laughs.

"You have always let little things get to you." Yeah, yeah.

"You try and act like you know me so well." I retort.

"Well, don't I?" Ugh, whatever.

"No." he snorts.

"I know you like the back of my hand and you know it." True.

"You knew me like the back of your hand, past tense."

"Oh right, I'm sure you've changed that much."

"Tons of things can change in five years."

"Yeah, but not the things I know."

"Well, you'd be surprised." I lie. The only shit that's changed is Kevin entering my life and making it hell.

"I'm sure I would." he says, sarcastically.

Someone just said something in the background; he told me he wasn't busy. Liar.

"I thought you said you weren't busy?" I ask.

"I'm not, it's just Trace." Okay buddy, that was definitely not a male's voice.

"Oh, well I was thinking.." I pause. "I know you've been really busy lately, but if you ever have a day off, maybe you'd want to go out to lunch or something? You know, to catch up?"

"Yeah, sure." he agrees. "I mean, you do sorta.. owe me. You know, for leaving the studio without a warning?; how rude." I laugh.

"Okay, lay off the making fun of me, would ya?"

"Okay, okay, I'm done." he snorts. "I'll let you know when I'm granted a day off; it may not be for a while with my luck, but I'll definitely let you know. It's always good to catch up." he finishes.

"Yeah, it is. Well, I guess I'll be seeing you soon then."

"Yeah, take care." he concludes.

"You too." With that, I end the call.

Whole Again

2007-12-27T02:45:41Z

I didn't think it was possible for one to be so bored; apparently I have proved myself otherwise. Normally, being at the studio is fun; today, it is every other adjective in the dictionary except 'fun'. For the past hour and a half, Trace and I have been listening to Johnny go over every little aspect of my itineraries for this week; the show, the day, the time, the song i'll be performing, what questions to expect, how to answer the personal questions without actually 'answering' them, and all that good stuff. It's so much fun, I can barely handle it.

Honestly, I'm not too fond of these tv appearances. Well, that's not completely true; I'm only not fond of the interview part. Believe it or not, I get really nervous during interviews. Funny huh? Yeah I even thought that I'd be used to it by now; negative. Some of these interviewers are just a little too pushy when it comes to questions about my personal life and that can get really fucking annoying which only adds to my nervousness. I can't actually do anything about it either. If I respond to them sarcastically then I'd come off as an asshole, and I'm not an asshole. So basically, I have to control myself quite a bit when I'm being interviewed unless I get that one in a million interviewer who actually decides to leave the personal life questions out of the script; I'm never that lucky. On the other hand, when it comes to the performance, I'm all for it; performing is like a high for me, I love it. Definitely one of the greatest feelings in the world.

Holy shit, I am completely spacing out right now. I should probably focus.

"Justin?" Johnny looks at me questioningly. Shit, I just missed everything he said.

"Yeah?" I ask.

"You good?" No.

"Yup, all good." I respond, shaking my head. I feel Trace look at me; he knows I'm completely lost.

"Okay then, I will see both of you tomorrow night. Try to stay out of trouble, will ya?." he says, smirking as he reaches out to grab our hands and pat us on the back as we get ready to leave.

"Trouble? What's trouble?" I ask, returning his smirk.

"Yeah Johnny. Trouble? Never heard of it." Trace adds, laughing, causing me and Johnny to do the same.

"Oh, just go home, would ya?" he finishes, still laughing as he walks out the door. Trace looks at me.

"You were completely lost, weren't you?" he asks.

"I was bored out of my mind."

"Well, suck it up, man. You've gotta stop with that 'spacing out' shit; especially during these sessions about what you're going to be doing for the next week." It's not like I'm doing it purposely, smartass.

"Well, that's where you come in." I say, sarcastically.

"Yeah, well next time we talk itineraries, I'll be the one spacing out."

"It's not like I'm doing it on purpose, dumbass; I got a lot of shit on my mind." he looks at me.

"This is the shit that's taking over your life right now; what else could possibly be on your mind?" he pauses. "Oh, I know."

"What?" Yeah, he knows.

"Have you talked to her since the bruise?" I told you he knew.

"Britney?"

"No assface, Cameron." Dick.

"No, I haven't spoken to her since last week."

"Oh, well everything's probably fine. I mean, if something happened, you probably would've heard about it by now." I lower my head and turn my focus to the floor.

"I don't know, man. I have a bad feeling." I shake my head.

"Well, why don't you call her?" I look at him. Are you kidding?

"Call her?"

"Yeah, if your worried about her, why not?" Yeah, easy for him to say.

"And say what? She's not gonna tell me shit, Trace; she's gonna pretend like everything's perfect, so I don't suspect anything. So basically, I'd be getting nowhere." he shrugs.

"I don't know what to tell you, Jay. Maybe you should just let it rest until you find out what definitely happend. I mean, maybe she was playing around with her brother or something?" No.

"Well, if that was the case, why wouldn't she have just said it?" he stays quiet, then speaks up after a few seconds.

"Yeah... I don't know." Exactly, it doesn't make sense.

"Wait, what time is it?" Trace looks at his watch.

"Uh, 3:10. Why?" I sigh heavily.

"Fuck, I have to go. Cameron's gonna be home soon."

"Already? Damn, that went fast."

"Well, she was supposed to come back tomorrow but her dad's doing alot better, so she decided to come home today."

"Oh, joy."

"Shut up. See you tomorrow." I say as I smack him on the back of his head and walk out the door.

"Watch it, bitch." I hear him call out as I make my way down the hallway, I laugh to myself.

I push through the main doors and pick up my speed a bit as I make my way through the parking lot and to my car. I hope Cameron's not home yet, I want to be able to take a shower without her wanting to 'join' me. She does that alot; she always wants to shower with me, which is basically just another way of her telling me she wants to have sex. Now, don't get me wrong; I love sex, I really do. I just haven't been too thrilled of sex with her lately. Remember when I said that I loved her but I wasn't too sure if I was in love with her? Well, as horrible as it sounds, I have come to realize that I'm really not in love with her. She is a great person and I love who she is, but I don't see myself spending the rest of my life with her and starting a family with her. I know I sound like a complete, selfish asshole right now but I didn't do this on purpose; I truly did think I was in love with her at one point in our relationship, but apparently it was only infatuation, because that 'love' faded and if you really love someone, that feeling is never supposed to fade.

Before I know it, I'm pulling into my driveway. Cameron's car is nowhere in sight; thank you. I get out of my car and pick up my pace once again as walk up the drive way and through the front door; I can still make it. I take a quick glance around the living room before I walk up the stairs, making sure that there are no suitcases anywhere; she could've hid the car or something, who knows, she's sneaky like that; Okay good, just the way I left it. I continue the rest of the way up the stairs, through my bedroom, and into the bathroom. I quickly strip off my clothes and reach for the shower nob, turning it to release the running water, and hop in. This is going to be the fastest shower I have ever taken in my life.

You know what's funny? I'm actually going out of my way to avoid any kind of sexual contact with my girlfriend. This is coming from someone who would never even use 'avoid' and 'sex' in the same sentence. I guess there's a first time for everything, right? Or should I say a fourth or fifth time? Yeah, this isn't the first time I've made up an excuse or gone out of my way to keep from sleeping with her. I just still can't believe it.

I turn the shower nob, shutting off the water and step out. I grab the towel hanging on my right, dry myself off, and walk into my bedroom to throw on some clean clothes. Just as I pull my shirt over my head, I hear the door open.

"Jay?" Cameron calls. "Justin?" Okay here I go. I make my way out of my room and down the hall stopping at the top of the stairs where she spots me.

"Baby!" she yells, running to the top of the stairs, leaping into my arms and clinging herself to my body. I can't help but laugh.

"Hey babe." I say, hugging her.

"Oh my God, I missed you." she whispers as she kisses my neck.

"I missed you, too." she lifts her head to face me revealing a huge smile. She presses her forehead to mine then places her lips on mine a bit forcefully; parting my lips more with each kiss. I feel her lower herself out of my arms and push me against the wall, never breaking the kiss. Her hands make their way up my shirt, trying their hardest to persuade me to let them take it off. I grab her hands and push her away slightly, finally breaking the kiss; I need air.

"Take it easy baby, come on, lets get you unpacked." I tell her, laughing lightly and placing my hand on her back to walk her down the stairs with me. When we reach the bottom, she stops and turns to me.

"The unpacking can wait." she says with a seductive smile.

"What's your rush?"

"I haven't had you in a week Justin, I'm fucking dying." I laugh. Really? I haven't had you in a week and I wish it were longer.

"Later baby, later." I say as I kiss her on the forehead.

"Ugh, fine." she pouts.

"So, how was your trip back?" I ask, changing the subject.

"It wasn't bad, actually; not much traffic." she answers, grabbing one of her bags.

"That's good." I say as I carry one of her suitcases upstairs with her following close behind me.

As I lay her suitcase on the floor in our room, my phone rings. I quickly glance at front screen; it reads Britney. My eyes grow wide; woah, she's still in my phone book?

"Didn't you just get back from the studio?" Cameron asks, sounding annoyed.

"It's Trace." I lie, as I walk past her and out of the room.

"Well, he was with you wasn't he?" she asks as she follows me and stops at the top of the stairs. This is when she pisses me off.

"Yeah, well there might be a change in the schedule; I have to take it." I respond as I step out the front door and close it behind me.

"Hello?" I answer.

Silence.

Whole Again

2007-12-19T08:41:49Z

He steps into the connecting room to take his call and closes the door behind him. I remain still, deciding whether or not I should actually leave without saying anything. It's only a few seconds before I feel myself lift out of my seat and head toward the door leading into the hallway. I can't stay here, he definitely knows I'm not telling him about how I really got this fucking bruise on my wrist. I knew it was a bad idea to come here today, I knew it. I open the door, tip-toe out, and close the door as quietly as possible behind me. I pick up my pace as I continue down the hallway, arriving closer and closer to the doors of freedom. Almost there...

"Where's the fire?" I hear Kate say with a small giggle. I look at her and laugh slightly. Shit, I forgot she was here; actually I forgot about the front desk, period. "Leaving already?"

"Oh, yeah I uh, have to get to my mother's house right away. Justin stepped into the next room to take a call; can you give him my apologies?" I ask.

"Of course." she answers.

"Thanks Kate." I finish as I push open the doors to freedom.

I push the 'unlock' button on my alarm key and start to pick up my pace once again, trying my best to make it to my car within the next few seconds. If Justin walks out of that room and catches me out here, I will look like a total asshole. Speaking of looking like an asshole, that's exactly what I looked like when he asked me how I got the huge ass bruise on my wrist; credit going to Kevin for that one. Why did I look like an asshole? Well, to sum it up, I basically said 'I don't know'. The bruise clearly looks like a fucking handprint; how can I not know where it came from? Great answer, right? Yeah. So, now Justin knows I'm lying, which is great because the only reason I wouldn't be telling him about the bruise is if it got there from Kevin; which is exactly how it got there because he's an immature waste of human. I mean, think about it; if I got the bruise from wrestling with Bryan or one of my cousins, why wouldn't I tell him? It's not a big deal. Which is exactly why that's what I should've told him, then I wouldn't be in this situation.

Well, that's the great thinking of Britney Spears for ya; I'm always getting myself into shit.

Before I know it, I'm pulling back into Mama's driveway. As I turn the keys in the ignition to shut off the engine, my eyes catch hold of the discoloration on my arm once again. Shit, Mama hasn't seen it; neither has anyone else. I am not about to be the topic of our lunch date and I am definitely not about to get Mama all in an uproar. If she sees this, she will freak. She'll freak and give me a big, long speech and then give Kevin a huge piece of her mind the next time she sees him. I know this situation isn't right and Mama would have all the right in the world to freak out about a huge bruise on my wrist that Kevin put there, but to avoid problems, I'd rather keep my mouth shut and my arm covered. I know when things go too far and I can handle them on my own. I love Mama to death, but sometimes she doesn't understand that; I'm not a little girl anymore.

I look around the car to see if I could find anything to help cover my arm. I then spot a light jacket that I left in the backseat from a few nights ago. It's not really cool out but it's a bit breezy; it could work. Score. I throw it on and make my way up the driveway and through the front door. I am met with the boys on the couch watching Spongebob and the voices of Mama and Jamie-Lynn coming from the kitchen.

"Mama!" the boys greet in unison.

"Hey boys; are you guys being good?" I ask as I walk over to the couch and kiss them both on the forehead.

"Uh huh." they answer, shaking their heads. Just then I see Jamie-Lynn poke her head through the window in the kitchen, looking into the living room.

"Brit!" she says excitedly, running into the living room with her arms spread, ready to embrace me.

"Hey babe." I say, smiling and returning her hug. She's so cute.

"Wow, it feels like I haven't seen you in forever." Aw, she sounds so southern. I used to sound just like that when I was her age but eventually it wore off, probably from all the singing.

"So you've missed me?"

"Well, I didn't say that." she responds sarcastically, looking like she wants to laugh.

"Oh yeah, you did. Just admit it JL; I won't tell anyone." she laughs.

"Shut up, Brit." I've missed this girl.

"So, what have you been up too?"

"Nothing exciting, just on the set, shooting as usual; I'm pretty boring." she says, laughing lightly.

"Nothing exciting? You have your own show, Jamie! That is far from boring!" I exclaim; she smiles.

"Well yeah, it is exciting. I just mean that it's nothing different."

"Well, why don't you do something exciting then?" I ask.

"Like what?"

"I don't know, maybe like coloring your hair or getting a new haircut? That can be exciting." She would look so pretty as a brunette; like a chestnut color. Her face just lit up; she has an idea.

"What about a tattoo?" Okay, Jamie and the word tattoo don't mix; it's like and oxymoron.

"A tattoo? I thought you hated tattoos?"

"I don't hate them, it depends. My friend has one of a small heart on her wrist; it's so nice. I was thinking of getting JL right here." Without remembering I was wearing a jacket for a reason, I didn't stop her when she took my arm and lifted the sleeve, revealing the clear discoloration on my wrist. Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped. Fuck.

"Oh my God. What happened?!" she exclaimed, a bit too loud.

"Is everything alright?" Mama calls out from the kitchen.

"Yeah Mama, we're just watching this discovery health thing." Wow, that was actually a good one.

"Oh, okay. Lunch will be ready in a few minutes."

"Okay!" I answer Mama, then look back at Jamie. "Shhh, don't say anything to Mama, please." I whisper to her.

"Okay, but what the hell happened Britney?" she asks, worried. I take her arm and lead her off the couch and into the nearest bedroom.

"Kevin and I got into a fight last week. He was drunk and grabbed my wrist a little too hard." I explained. "I'm fine though, it's no big deal."

"That bruise is huge, Britney. I can actually see the outline of his fingers!" Holy shit, she's getting loud again.

"Shh, Jamie please, you have to keep your voice down. I don't want Mama knowing about this; you know how she gets."

"Yeah, well she has every right to this time." she says, quietly.

"Don't worry JL, everything's fine, okay? He wasn't sober and just squeezed my arm a little too hard. Besides, I bruise easily, you know that." I compromise.

"Okay, so he was drunk when he did that, so it's okay? Well, what about the next time this happens except he beats the shit out of you? Since he was wasn't sober, will it be okay then too?" I don't say anything, I just look at her.

"Don't worry, I won't tell Mama; I just hope you can handle your own problems." With that, she walks out of the room, leaving me speechless.

I don't know what it is exactly that makes me feel defeated. I know very well that what Kevin did was wrong; I don't stand for that shit. Maybe it was the fact that I was actually defending his actions just to keep Jamie-Lynn from being worried? Or maybe it was the fact that she didn't fall for the bull I fed her, and knew exactly what was going on?

Whole Again

2007-12-14T07:56:50Z

She hands me a picture, I feel a smile form on my face as I look at it. It's a picture of me holding Jonathan the day he was born.

"Wow, this is old." I say, looking up at her. "You came here just to give me this?" I ask. I feel my smile start to fade as I suddenly notice a huge bruise on her arm; wrist to be exact.

"Well, yeah, I mean I figured you'd want it back." I hear her say, but I've completely turned my attention to the discoloration on her arm. I lightly grab her wrist and twist it to get a better look. This shit looks like a fucking handprint; I can actually see the outline of someone's fingers.

"Woah, what happened?" I ask, looking away from her wrist and back up at her. She's silent for a few seconds, then tries to play it off.

"Oh, I don't even know where that one came from. I'm always finding new bruises on myself everyday; talk about being accident prone." She responds, laughing lightly. Yeah right, you're gonna have to do better than that.

"It sort of looks like a handprint." I add, not returning her nonchalant attitude. I know her too damn well; she's hiding something, I know she is. Suddenly, a ringing sound fills the room and it sounds alot like my cell phone, damnit. I look down at the device clipped on my pants; Jesus Cameron, not now.

"I'm really sorry, but can you excuse me for two minutes?" I ask.

"Oh, sure; take your time." She nods, giving me a small smile. I step into the connecting room and shut the door behind me.

"Hello?"

"Hey baby." Cameron answers.

"Hey Cam, what's up?" I ask.

"Nothing really, I just wanted to let you know that I'm coming home tomorrow." Wait, tomorrow? Tomorrow's not Monday.

"Tomorrow? I thought you were coming home on Monday?" Maybe she's mixing the days up.

"Well, I was but everything's getting a bit better around here, so I figured I'd come home a day early." Or not, shit.

"Oh, your dad's doing better?" Obviously.

"Yeah, alot better; thank God." She sighs in relief.

"That's great, I'm glad." I pause. "So what time will you be back?" I ask.

"Mid-afternoon, hopefully; if the traffic decides to cooperate with me." she responds.

"Alright well, see you tomorrow and drive safe."

"I will. I can't wait to see you; I love you." She's waiting for an answer. I sigh quietly.

"I love you too." And with that, I end the call.

I hate being put on the spot. When she says those words, I have to say them. It's not that I don't love her, I do. I just don't know if i'm... in love with her and I don't like to use those three words unless I mean them, but I have to; I have to use those words with her because she thinks I am in love with her. At one point I really did think I was, but now i'm not so sure. I feel pathetic; I've been dating this woman for well over three years now and I can't even tell her that I love her, and really mean it.

I open the connecting door and walk back into the adjoining room. "I'm sorry abo-- Britney?" I say as I look around the room; where'd she go? "Britney?" I walk over to the door leading out into the hallway and open it. I take a look outside; where the hell did she go? I shut the door behind me and walk down the hallway to the front desk, where Kate is.

"Hey Kate, did you see Britney leave?" I ask.

"Oh yeah, she left just a few minutes ago. She told me to tell you that she had to get to her mother's house right away and she apologizes." she answers.

"Oh." I pause. "Okay, thanks. See you tomorrow." I say as I make my way out of the studio.

I knew she was hiding something, and it has to do with that massive handprint on her wrist. I felt her body tense up when I asked her about it. She took off when I answered my call so she would'nt have to tell me about it.

I have a bad feeling about that bruise; I hope I'm wrong. I really hope it didn't come from where I think it came from... or should I say who I think it came from.

The ringing of my cell phone suddenly throws me from thoughts.

"Yeah?" I answer, already aware that it's Trace.

"Thank you for such a nice greeting, I appreciate it." he responds, sarcastically.

"No problem, I try." Moron.

"So what did Britney want?" I laugh slighty, I should've known that's why he was calling.

"She gave me an old picture from the day Jon was born." he pauses.

"A picture? She came to the studio to give you a picture?"

"Yeah, she said it probably got mixed in with her things when we moved. She thought I'd want it back."

"That is such a lame excuse." he states.

"What are you talking about?" here we go.

"She wanted to see you, so she blamed it on the picture. Think about it Jay; why would a person go out of their way to bring someone a picture?" for once, he actually has a point.

"Well, I did notice that she went slightly out of her way but, I don't know, it's Britney; she does that kinda shit."

"I don't know man, I find it a little funny." he pauses. "Anything else happen?"

"I noticed a bruise on her arm." I answer.

"A bruise? Was it big?" ha.

"It was huge. It looked like a handprint; like somebody squeezed the shit out of her wrist."

"Woah, did you ask her about it?"

"She said how accident prone she is and that she's always finding new bruises on herself." I pause. "She said she didn't even know where that one came from."

"Are you serious? Well, obviously she doesn't want to tell you." thank you, dumbass.

"No shit. Right after I mentioned that it looked like a handprint, my phone rang and I stepped into the next room to take it; when I came back, she was gone."

"Damn, something really is up. I hope she's alright."

"Yeah, me too."

Whole Again

2007-12-09T07:03:36Z

After about an extra half hour of staring at the picture and wondering if I should return it or not, I have decided to return the picture to it's rightful owner; it's the right thing to do.

I carefully place the picture in my purse, making sure not to wrinkle or rip it, and continue to get ready. I have decided on a light blue pair of loose jeans and a vintage tee; cute yet comfortable, just what I was going for.

I enter the boy's room to find Sean watching cartoons and a very awake Jayden bouncing around in his crib. As soon as he realizes my presence, he yells.

"Mamaa!" I smile.

"Hey baby, you ready to see grandma?" I ask.

"Yeah, gramma!" the boys reply in unison.

I pick Jayden up out of his crib and set him on the bed with Sean while I pick out their clothes. I settle on jean shorts and collared tops for both of them. I dress them and fix their hair a bit before I am ready to roll. With Jayden in my left arm and Sean following close behind me, I quickly back track to my room to grab my purse and throw it over my right shoulder. I then grab Sean's hand and walk downstairs where I spot my keys on the counter in the foyer; as I pick them up on my way out, I hear a voice.

"Where are you going?" I've never realized how irritating Kevin's voice is. I turn around to face him.

"To my mother's, for lunch." I answer briefly.

"Why didn't you get me up?" he asks, sounding a bit disturbed.

"I figured you'd want to sleep. I mean, you never seem too delighted to visit anyway."

"What are you talking about? Look, if you didn't want me to go, you could've just said it, instead of trying to sneak out without telling me." he said, slightly raising his voice.

"Whatever, I don't want to fight with you, okay? We're just going to my mom's for lunch; we'll be back in a few hours." with that said, I left with the boys, not even giving him a chance to reply. Everything has been turned into some sort of fight lately; we can't agree on anything. I'd rather avoid conversation with him than fight; so that's what I'm doing right now.

I get to the car, strap the boys in their car seats, get in the driver's seat, and drive away. After about fifteen minutes of driving, I arrive at Mama's house. I unstrap the boys and walk in the front door; Mama always unlocks it when she's expecting me.

"Mama?" I call out.

"Hey baby! Ohhh there are my handsome boys!" she exclaims, running up to kiss me on the cheek and swoop the boys from my arms.

"Gramma!" they are always so excited to see her.

"Hey Mama, you think you can watch them for me for about a half hour? I need to return something to a friend." I ask.

"Sure honey, but don't be long; Jamie Lynn's gonna be home soon and she wants to see you."

"Oh I won't be long Mama, I promise." I assure.

I walk over and quickly kiss the boys and Mama before I leave. When I get out to my car, I ask myself one more time if I should return the picture. I don't know if it's so much actually returning the picture that I'm unsure of, or if it's seeing Justin that I'm unsure of. I quickly push that thought to the back of my head and stick to the original decision I made; return the picture. I start to drive in the direction of the studio Justin always records in, and the one I used to record in. After about ten minutes of driving, I arrive at the studio. I walk in and see Kate at the front desk; wow, it's been a long time.

"Kate, hi." I greet with a smile.

"Britney? Wow, it's been so long; what brings you here?" she asks, returning my smile.

"Um, I actually need to talk to Justin. Is he in today?"

"As a matter of fact, he is; lucky you." she answers.

"Really? Do you know if he's busy? because I don't want to bother him." I ask.

"I'm really not sure; I can check for you though, if you'd like?"

"That'd be great, thanks." I smile.

"No problem, follow me." she says as she walks down the hall, with me in tow, and stops at a door on the right.

As I watch her open it and stick her head in, I begin to feel those stupid butterflies going crazy in the pit of my stomach. Why? I don't know. I guess I'm a bit nervous to talk to him one on one; last time Alli and Trace were in our company, so it wasn't that bad. Or I could possibly just feel like a complete dumbass for actually making a trip here just to give him a friggin picture, I don't know. Well, whatever it is that's causing these obnoxious butterflies, needs to go away, now.

"Sorry to interupt; Justin, someone's here to see you, if you're not too busy." Kate says. In a way, I'm kind of hoping he is busy; I'm starting to seriously regret coming here.

"Oh, it's okay; we're just finishing up. You can send them in." I hear him reply. Fuck.

Kate, then turns to me, smiles and nods with a slight wave of her hand motioning for me to go in. I smile and begin to walk towards the door, thanking Kate again before I walk in. I slowly inch my body to the open crack of the door, opening it a slight bit more. Suddenly, the door completely opens and I see Trace standing on the other side of it, holding the nob. He smiles; I do the same.

"Two times in one week? What are the odds?" he says as he passes by me to leave, throwing in a little wink.

"Nice to see you, Britney." Johnny says as he smiles and nods, following Trace out of the room.

"You too, Johnny." I respond.

"So, what brings you here? Everything okay?" Justin asks as he pats the chair across from him; I take a seat.

"It's funny, actually; I was looking for clothes in my closet this morning and I found this box with a ton of old pictures in it." I reach in my purse and pull out his picture. "When I went through it, I found this." I say as I hand the picture to him. "I think it might of accidentally got mixed in with my stuff when we moved." He smiles as he looks at it.

"Wow, this is old." he says, then looks at me. "You came here just to give me this?" he asks as the smile on his face fades a little.

"Well, yeah, I mean I figured you'd want it back." I say, noticing that he has turned his attention to my arm. I suddenly feel his hand touch my rist and slightly twist it to get a better look. I, then look down to see what he's so interested in.

"Woah, what happened?" Shit, I didn't realize that bruise was still there. Fucking Kevin. I'm thinking I should've worn a bunch of bracelets today.

"Oh, I don't even know where that one came from. I'm always finding new bruises on myself everyday; talk about being accident prone." I say, laughing lightly. He smiles but doesn't seem too convinced; I'm not surprised, this is Justin Timberlake I am trying to convince here; the man I've dated for over four years and have known since we were twelve. He knows me better than I know myself. Plus, I suck at lying.

"It sort of looks like a handprint." he says looking at my rist and tracing the outline of the handprint with his thumb.

Okay, so I'm pretty much fucked. What the hell do you say to that? Yeah, I don't have the slightest clue either. Suddenly, I hear a ringing. Justin looks at the cell phone clipped on his pants, then looks back up at me.

"I'm really sorry, but can you excuse me for two minutes?" he asks, looking apologetic. Right now, I am pretty damn grateful for the invention of mobile devices.

"Oh, sure; take your time." I nod and reassure him with a smile.

As soon as he steps into the connecting room and shuts the door, I make a run for it. I have to get out of here, he's definitely on to me. I knew this was a bad idea.

Whole Again

2007-12-09T07:03:04Z

I wake up to the ringing of my cell phone.

"Hello?" I groan.

"Damn, you're still sleeping? It's eleven man, get your ass up!" Trace says loudly, causing me to flinch and slightly move the phone away from my ear. I glance at the clock and realize it is eleven; wow, I don't even remember the last time I slept in this late. It feels great.

"Is there a valid reason why you're calling me?" I ask, a bit frustrated.

"Maybe..." God, I hate when he does this shit.

"Well, if you don't mind, I'd like to sleep in for once."

"Well, sorry to shatter your little dream, princess; but Johnny needs you at the studio in an hour." he finishes.

"Shit, I thought today was my day off."

"You, a day off? Ha, that'd be the day." he responds, sarcastically.

"Fuck you." I hear him laugh, even though he's trying to hide it. "Are you gonna meet me there?" I ask.

"Yes, master." he pauses. "Well, off you go! Forty eight minutes and counting!" with that said, he ends the call. He's such a dick.

I glance at the clock one more time before getting out of bed; 11:12 am. I remember something just as I step into the shower; today's Saturday, Cameron's coming home in two days. She's been at her parent's house for the past week; her father's been sick, I don't think it's anything too serious though.

Damn, that went fast. It feels like she's only been gone a few days; atleast I wish it's only been a few days. Now, don't get me wrong or anything, I love having her around; I mean after all, she is my girlfriend. I just...need my space sometimes; Doesn't everybody?

I step out of the shower, brush my teeth and quickly throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I jog downstairs, grab my keys, and make my way out the door and to my car. After about ten minutes of driving, I arrive at the studio. I walk in and see Kate at the front desk.

"Hey Kate." I greet.

"Hi Justin. Trace is in with Johnny." she says with a smile.

"Okay, thanks." I say as I make my way down the hall. When I reach the right room, I open the door and see Johnny and Trace with a few papers in their hands.

"Hey Justin, I know today is supposed to be your day off but I just have a few things to go over with you; it won't take long." Johnny greets. I laugh lightly.

"Don't worry about it, it's no problem." I respond, pulling up a seat next to Trace, so we're both facing Johnny.

"Okay, I have your itineraries for approximately the next three weeks, starting Monday. Monday night, your scheduled for The Tonight Show. Tuesday night, you're on Late Night..." I didn't catch much after that; I'm finding it hard for me to pay attention today. Thankfully this is all written on paper and requires no memory usage.

After about a half hour, there's a knock at the door just as we finish up. Kate sticks her head in.

"Sorry to interrupt; Justin, someone's here to see you, if you're not too busy." she says.

"Oh, it's okay; we're just finishing up. You can send them in." I respond.

"Okay." she says as she waves the person over.

The next person I see at the door is Britney.

Whole Again

2007-12-09T07:02:24Z

"Mama? Mamaaa?!" I slightly open my eyes when I feel a small hand on my face and realize I am being awoken by a very impatient Sean. I let out a small laugh at the sight in front of me. "Mama, I need to go pee pee!" he whines as he holds himself and bounces up and down.

"Okay honey, come on." I say as I slide out of bed, take his hand and lead him to the bathroom. He just started using pull-ups, so I told him whenever he needs to go to the bathroom, to tell me; and that is exactly what he does. He says he's a big boy now, just like in the commercials.

"Okay Mama, all done!" he says excitedly.

"Wow, you really are a big boy! I smile. "You want some breakfast?"

"Uh huh." he replies, shaking his head with a huge smile on his face. I take his hand and walk with him downstairs to the kitchen, peeking in on Jayden on the way; he's sound asleep.

"Mama, how come daddy's not sleeping in your room?" Sean asks as we pass the guestroom. Ever since the fight last week, that's where Kevin's been sleeping, we also haven't been talking to eachother much; which is fine by me, I'm fed up with his shit. When he decides to grow up, then he can come talk to me.

I sign and kneel down in front of him. "Daddy wants to sleep in the guestroom, baby."

"Why?" he asks.

"I really don't know Seany, he just does."

"Oh." he says, lowering his head.

I place my hand under his chin to lift his head and kiss him on the forehead. "So, what do you want to eat, honey? Eggs...cereal...pancakes? I ask, emphasizing on the pancakes; he loves pancakes.

"Pancakes!" he skreeches.

"Mmm, good choice." I say as I begin to cook breakfast.

---

9:08 am; I probably should start getting ready. I'm stopping by Mama's for a little while today with the boys; she's dying to see them, she says it's been forever. Even though I'm not too sure if you would call two weeks forever, but that's Mama for ya.

I begin to look through my closet to find something to wear. I want something comfortable, but not like sweats or anything. Maybe some loose jeans and a t-shirt? Yeah, that'll do. I soon get distracted by a box sitting on the shelf above my clothes, on the very top of the closet. I recognize this box; it's not new or unusual, it just hasn't been opened in years, and all of a sudden I'm feeling a very intense feeling of curiosity come over me.

I stop searching for clothes to wear and reach for the box; it's white covered in a pink floral design. I carry it over to my bed, sit it down, and open the top. My eyes are met with tons of pictures; old ones of the family with Mama, Pop, Jamie Lynn, Bryan, and me; ones of me with Alli and Laura Lyn when we were like 13; and some from MMC with Christina, TJ, Ryan, JC, and Justin. Wow, these bring back so many memories.

I then come across a picture that doesn't seem like it belongs with the others; It's a picture of a 17-year-old Justin holding his half brother, Jonathan, the day he was born. He has a big cheesy smile on his face; just looking at it makes me do the same.

"Wow." I sigh. It must have some how mixed in with my stuff when we moved. I wonder if I should bring it to him? I mean, he probably wants it back right?

Yeah, I think I should. I wouldn't feel right keeping it.

Whole Again

2007-12-09T07:01:33Z

It's been about a week since my run in with Britney. I know this sounds weird, but it feels like we're old friends again; like we picked up where we left off. We only talked for about two hours and were accompanied by Trace and Alli, so it's not like we talked on a personal level; actually we didn't talk about much more than just everyday things and did alot of laughing about alot of stupid shit. I was surprised it went so well, none of those awkward silences; I try to keep away from those.

I seemed to notice something different about her though; I think it might have been that dead, emotionless look in her her eyes, or maybe it was the way her body was sort of tense. I know, you're probably thinking I'm a weirdo or something because I noticed those little things about her but I do that with everybody; I watch people, and seem to notice all these little unobvious things about them, and to tell you the truth, I don't even know why. Well, my point is that I noticed those things about her because they were different from the last time I saw her. Her eyes always had that bright, content look to them; they could light up a room, even if she was crying. The tenseness in her body could have been from nerves or from feeling uncomfortable, but she was pretty damn talkative so that makes me believe that she was far from uncomfortable; but then again, I could be wrong. Sometimes women can really confuse the shit out of me.

There was also this other thing that made me think...

|flashback|

I glance at my watch as we make our way to the exit, holy shit, 5:06? I didn't realize we were here for this long. Just as we step outside, Britney lightly grabs my arm and leads me to the side.

"It was really good seeing you again, I'm glad we ran into each other." she says, smiling.

"Me too, it felt good to catch up." I agree, returning her smile.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Ask away." she suddenly turns her interest to the ground she's standing on and hesitates for a moment.

"Do you remember when you told me that if I ever needed you, you'd be there? I nod. "And I said 'thanks but no thanks'?" she looks up at me.

"I remember." I say. She pauses again.

"Is it too late to take that back?" she asks, her voice sounding a bit shaky.

"When I told you that, I wasn't looking for an answer. So when you said what you said, it didn't make me change my mind and take back what I said. It was just something I wanted you to know; and it was up to you to decide whether or not you wanted my help, if you ever needed it." I respond.

"So, you still haven't changed your mind? I mean, it's been a long time." she asks, her voice still sounding a bit shaky.

"I always keep my word." that response brings a slight smile to her lips.

"Yes, you do."

|end flashback|

I wonder why she seemed so concerned about what I said to her so many years ago, the whole 'if you ever need me, I'm here' thing? I mean, I know we're friends but she has so many other family members and friends that she can go to if she needs help, why would she come to me over them? That is exactly why that whole situation made me think. She actually seemed kind of worried that I wouldn't be here if she needed me; that's what I don't understand. She didn't need me all these years since we split, why would she need me now?

Whole Again

2007-12-09T07:00:34Z

As I pull into the parking lot, I settle into a space directly in front of the beanery.

"Wow, I've never seen this place so dead." Alli says as she walks ahead of me to the door. She opens it and waits for me to follow behind her. As we walk in, I take a quick glance around the place. I see a very cute elderly couple in front of me and two guys to my right; the one facing me looks in my direction then immediately shoots his eyes to the window and slightly lowers his head. Hmm, he looks oddly familiar; then again, I get that feeling alot. I'm weird.

I continue to follow Alli to the front to make our orders. Just as we reach the counter, an employee greets us.

"Hello ladies, what can I get for you?"

"Hello! I'll have a medium caramel latte, please." Alli says in her strong southern accent. I can't help the smirk forming on my face as I listen to the tone of her voice; high-pitched and giddy.

"I'll have the same, thanks." I finish, smiling.

"No problem." he responds as he begins to make our drinks.

Suddenly, I hear some sort of loud, exaggerated cough. As I turn to look towards the sound, my eyes land on the person I least expect to see. I thought I'd have a better chance at seeing Elvis standing in front of me. What are the fucking odds?

"J-Justin...hi." fuck, I just studdered; Jesus Christ.

"Hey, Britney; how've you been? It's been a while." he says.

"It has. I've been okay, how about you?" I ask.

"I'm pretty good." I nod and glance at Alli.

"Oh, you remember Alli, right? I ask, putting my hand on her arm. He nods.

"I do, good to see you." he smiles, looking at Alli.

"You too." she says, smiling back.

Awkward silence; I hate when this happens.

"So, what are you doing here so late?" I speak up, slightly smirking.

"I should ask you the same thing." he returns the smirk and slightly laughs. "We couldn't sleep."

"We?" I ask, slightly confused.

"I'm here with Trace." he says, looking towards his table where Trace is sitting, staring at his drink. I laugh.

"I thought he looked familiar; I saw him when I came in."

"Yeah, you can't miss his big ass head." we laugh.

"Here you go, ladies." we're interrupted by the employee as he hands us our drinks.

"Thank you." Alli and I say in unison as we turn away from the counter and back to Justin.

"Um, you guys can sit with me and Trace, if you want." he suggests; then whispers, "I'm starting to get a little tired of him." he smirks. Alli and I laugh lightly and I whisper back, "Okay, we'll save you." As we walk towards his table, I see Trace smile and stand.

"Hey, Brit; long time, no see." he greets as he leans in for a hug. I smile back.

"I know, how've you been?"

"Not bad, not bad." he responds.

As we all take a seat, conversation seems to flow pretty easily; no awkward silences. This is going better than I expected. I think this is the first time I've felt this relaxed in longer than I can remember.

Whole Again

2007-12-09T06:59:47Z

Great, there's no one here. Well, except for that elderly couple in the corner but other than that, we're home free. As we approach the counter to make our order, an employee greets us.

"Hey, what can I get you guys?"

"Hi, I'll have a medium cappuccino." I respond. "And I'll have a medium coffee, black. Thanks." Trace adds.

"Sure, coming right up."

As we wait, I begin to wonder what it's like to be him; the employee, that is. I mean, I've been in the spotlight ever since I was young; I forgot what it feels like to just be...normal. Sometimes I wish I could trade places with someone like him. Don't get me wrong though; I love what I do. If I didn't, I wouldn't be doing it, obviously. It's just everything that comes along with what I do is sometimes way too overwhelming for me to handle.

"Okay, here you go. Enjoy." the employee says, smiling as he hands us our drinks.

"Thanks." Trace and I say in unison. We take our drinks and settle at a table near the window.

"We're supposed to meet them a noon tomorrow, aren't we?" Trace asks, referring to our moms.

"Uh huh." I respond, slightly smirking as I put sugar in my drink. "You know our asses ain't getting up."

"Shit, I know." he says, laughing slightly. "They're gonna be pissed if we don't show up though."

"Well, I can set my alarm for a little before twelve, call her, say something came up, then go back to sleep." I say, smiling. I think it's a pretty good plan.

"Oh yeah? Like what, genius? We cancelled on them like three times; they ain't gonna buy it, unless it's something pretty damn believable; and not the same studio shit." Why does he always think he's right? He's usually the one who's the farthest from being right.

"I don't know," I shrug. "maybe I can tell her that we can't go because...you're extremely constipated and need me to help you take a shit?" I say sarcastically, almost bursting into laughter. He stares at me.

"Haha, bitch. You know, maybe I should call her?" I look at him, waiting for his comeback. "And say we can't go because you're too busy jacking off in the bathroom and need me here to help you clean up the mess afterwards." and there it is. I can't help but laugh a little, so does he.

"That would be a bit awkward.." I say looking down at my drink ready to take a sip.

"That would be hilarious." he laughs, but then stops, somewhat suddenly. "Well, speaking of awkward.." he says. I look up at him; he's looking out the window. I do the same to see what he's looking at; I don't see anything.

"What are you talking about?" I ask. He's so weird.

"Look to your left." he says, without taking his eyes away from the window.

I do what he says and look to my left. I see the elderly couple, the employee, and two girls that just walked in. Then I hear that familiar voice. Holy shit, can somebody please tell me; what are the odds of running into your ex girlfriend, at a coffee beanery, at three in the morning? Yeah, so I guess this is a bit awkward.

"I think you should go say 'hi'." Trace says.

"Hi?" I say, looking at him. He looks at me strangely.

"Or 'how've you been?', whichever you prefer." Smartass.

"I know you fucking moron, I just haven't seen or talked to her in over a year. I don't really know what to say." He looks at me again, with that same look. Here comes another one.

"Well, 'hi' or 'how've you been?' are usually the most common conversation starters; are you deaf or just stupid?" I stand up.

"Just shut up. You suck." I say before walking to the front of the beanery, where she stands with her cousin, waiting for her drink. This should be interesting.

Whole Again

2007-12-09T06:57:23Z

I'm outta here.

I grab my keys from the counter and open the door. As I walk out, I hear Kevin call out to me.

"Hey! Where the hell you goin'?!" Ha. Yeah, I'm gonna tell him where I'm going. Kiss my ass, bitch.

I ignore his question and slam the door behind me. I get in my car and pull out of the driveway. I sigh.

"Where the hell am I going?" I glance at the time, 2:35am.

I wonder if Alli's up? I stare at my phone for a few seconds debating whether or not to call her.

"She's probably up." I say to myself as I begin to dial her number. That girl is always out partying at this time, especially on Saturdays.

"Hello?" I knew it.

"Hey Al, I didn't wake you, did I?

"Oh, hey Brit! Nope, I'm wide awake. Just watching some Sex and the City, I can never get enough." she chuckled. "It's pretty late, everything okay?"

"Kevin and I had a fight, I had to get out of there." I said.

"Wait, you didn't leave the boys with him, did you?" she asked, sounding a bit worried.

"Are you crazy? Leave the boys with his drunk ass? Yeah right." I laughed slightly. "I left them with Momma for tonight, I knew this fight was gonna happen." She huffs.

"Still out partying, is he? I'm sorry Brit, but that man is really a piece of work. You have to watch after him more than your kids, who are both under the age of five, might I add. He really has some growing up to do."

"I know." I sigh. "I really don't even know what to do anymore." I suddenly change the subject. "But anyway, you wanna grab a cup of coffee at the beanery and talk there?"

"Yeah, okay!" she says excitedly causing me to laugh a little.

"Great, I'll be there in 10."

"I'll be ready!" and with that she clicks off the phone.

As I drive along the familiar path to her house, I begin to fall deep in to thought. You know, sometimes I ask myself what the hell I'm still doing with Kevin? Yeah, and most of the time my answer to that question is the boys. I want them to have a mother and a father to grow up with, together. But then at the same time, I think we'd probably be better off without him. He doesn't even act like a father; the boys barely know him.

I'm thrown out of thought when I realize I'm about to pull into Alli's driveway. I begin to laugh as I see her skipping down the stairs. She is always so bubbly, even at quarter to three in the morning; I love her.

"Hey, honey!" she squeaks as she opens the car door.

"Hey, babe. Get in." and with that, we're on our way.

Whole Again

2007-12-09T06:54:41Z

Who was it who told me that if you can't sleep, turn off all the lights so that it's pitch black and eventually the darkness will get you drowsy and you'll fall asleep? Well, whoever it was was either wrong or just lied to me because I've been lying here for over an hour staring into complete blackness and I'm still wide awake; guess that little technique didn't work.

It's been a bitch for me to sleep lately; I really don't know why. Momma says it could be these little club gigs that I've been doing. I don't know though; I mean I always am pretty wired afterwards and can't sleep if my life depended on it but how does that explain now? My last show was a week ago.

I wonder if Trace is still up? He's staying at my place tonight because we're meeting our mothers for lunch tomorrow at this restaurant a few blocks from here. I get out of my bed and throw a shirt on before walking down the hall to the guest room. I lightly knock on the door before opening it.

"Trace?" I whisper. "You up?"

"I am now." he groaned. "What do you want?"

"Sorry man, forget it." I say waving it off.

"No, what is it?"

"Were you really sleeping?" I ask, doubting now that he ever was in the first place. Ass.

"I was starting to drift, no big deal. Is everything alright?" he asks.

"Yeah, I just can't sleep for shit. It's pissing me off." I huff.

"Well, i'm not gonna be able to go to sleep now. You wanna do something?"

"Like what? It's 2:30 in the morning, moron." I say looking at him strangely.

"I know, dumbass. That beanery down the block is 24 hours."

"Oh yeah, I could go for a cup of coffee."

"Yeah, me too. Let's go." he says as he gets up to throw pants and a shirt on.

I quickly jog back down the hall to my room and slip on the pair of jeans that I had on earlier today.

Thank God it's late; the beanery should be empty. No people, no paparazzi (especially them); Peace. That's what I need right now.

We meet downstairs, I grab my keys, and we're off.

Whole Again

2007-12-09T06:53:33Z

1:48 am.

Where the hell is he?

I swear, it is a complete waste of oxygen trying to get through to Kevin. He swore to stop partying if I did. I've stopped; for about two months now actually. Clean, absolutely no partying. I'm pretty proud of myself. Kevin on the other hand, I wish he would've done the same but he didn't and still hasn't.

Almost every night of the week, except for maybe an exceptional Monday or Tuesday here and there, he goes out with a few of his 'buddies' until around this time; one, two, three, and sometimes even 'til sunrise. I don't even remember the last time he actually took time out to play with Sean and Jayden. They even ask about him sometimes. This is ridiculous.

Now, I know what you're going to say; why don't I stop him right?

Well, I'll tell you why. He either tells me that he's going to the studio, to his mother's house, or something like that and says that he'll be back in a few hours and I never know when to believe him because sometimes he actually does do what he says. Then, if I scold him about it beforehand, it makes me look like the asshole, and it starts a fight, and I hate when Sean and Jayden see that shit. So I decided to stop with the confrontations and if he doesn't do what he says and comes home at an obnoxious time in the middle of the night, that's when I would take it up with him. Only, I also stopped doing that for a while because Kevin's dumb drunk ass is always so loud and makes a big scene and always ends up waking the boys up.

Honestly, I'm fed up. He thinks he can get over on me now. I don't think so.

That is exactly why I left the boys at momma's tonight. When Kevin gets home, it's not going to be pretty.

I try calling his cell phone. I really don't even know why I bother anymore. Ring, ring, ring, ring. Ha, of course; no answer. What's new?

I go upstairs and lie down, I take a quick glance at the clock; 2:10 am. I feel my eyelids getting heavy and just as I start to drift, I hear the door close and the dangling of keys. Then I hear a thump; fucking idiot.

As I walk downstairs, I see the light shining from the kitchen and I hear the opening and closing of cabinets and the refrigerator.

"Nice of you to come home." I say.

"Oh, hey baby, how you doin'?" he's drunk. again.

"Not so good, Kevin. How about you? You seem to have had loads of fun tonight." I say, crossing my arms.

"Woah, woah baby. What's that attitude for?" I stare at him.

"Are you fucking kidding me Kevin? Let's see, you left at 3 o'clock this afternoon and it is now 2:15 in the morning and you're drunk. What do you think the attitude's for?" I say, raising my voice. He has that stupid smirk on his face and slightly laughs.

"I'm a big boy, Brit. And you're not my mother, so chill."

"Yeah and you're also a father, so you need to grow up and start acting like one." He glares at me and starts walking in my direction, nearly falling in the process. He stops about two inches away from my face.

"What the fuck you tryin' to say? I'm not a good father?" he's trying to be intimidating. Not working.

"No, Kevin. I'm saying that your not a father, period." I feel a pain suddenly shoot down my back. He fucking pushed me.

"Listen, bitch. I don't need to take this shit. What gives you the right to tell me that I'm not a fucking father? Huh? Last time I checked, you didn't win any mother of the year awards."

"I'm way more of a parent than you are! Last time I checked, I wasn't the one staying out 'til two in the morning almost every night. I spend time with my fucking kids. Oh, and by the way, whatever happend to that promise to stop partying if I did? I did my part, when are you planning on doing yours?"

"Fuck that. You used to party way more than I do, we're not even yet. And I spend time with my kids." WHAT?!

"Yeah, that's why they ask about you all the time right? And it's not about being even, it's about being mature you fucking idiot, something you obviously lack. You know what I don't understand Kevin? If you weren't planning on growing up and taking the responsibilities of a parent, then why'd you even have kids?"

"Well, it was kinda hard considering that you were constantly throwing yourself at me and couldn't keep your legs closed." I slapped his face. Immediately, he grabs my rist and squeezes it. He's mumbling words and swearing as he tightens his grip.

"Ah, Kevin stop! You're hurting me!" damn it. I hate showing weakness. It's like letting him know that I've backed down and he's won. That bugs the shit out of me. But I can't take it, I'm losing feeling in my fingers. I try to tug my hand away and he finally lets go, well actually he threw it away from him and into the wall I was leaning on. I winced and grabbed my rist.

"Don't ever fucking touch me." I hissed.

"Too late. What're you gonna do about it?" he glared at me and left the kitchen.

Whole Again

2007-12-09T06:50:05Z

I can feel the tears threatening to leave my eyes and my breathing getting heavier as I go backstage to find him. There he is.

"Hey, what are you doing here? Is everything okay?" he asks as he walks over to me. I shake my head 'no'.

"Can we talk?" i ask, he nods and leads me to his dressing room.

As we step inside, I don't know what came over me---well, us. We went crazy on each other. Completely crazy. It was like we both knew what we wanted but waited too damn long to actually do something about it.

The touch of his hands exploring my body as if it were foreign to him; the feel of his soft lips on mine; the smell of his enticing aroma; it's utterly amazing.

I haven't felt this way in so long it's insane. I shouldn't feel this way though. I'm married and he's been in a serious relationship for over three years now. I should feel like a horrible person. I should put an end to this right now before it goes too far. But I don't. I don't feel like a horrible person, not even close. And I sure as hell don't even try to stop this moment we are having. Instead I let it continue. And before I know it, we're on his couch and he's on top of me making me feel things I never thought I would feel again. His every touch, his every movement, his every word; it puts me in a state of pure ecstasy.

He's always been the only one to ever make me experience these feelings. He has this effect on me that makes me feel completely secure when I'm with him; like nothing or no one in the world could ever hurt me. And that's what I needed right now, that feeling of security and to know that someone actually cared.

He's making me fall for him again; I can feel it.

This is exactly what I was afraid of.